Miss you, Daddy

Daddy,

It's been 6 years today since you left us. Every year, around this time, memories come flashing by.

Tarun and I had moved into our current house on July 12th, 2009. It was a weekend and I had called you. While we were talking, I said to you that now you should plan a trip to us and you said to me "It'll be our pleasure". How those words keep coming to me.

Then on the 15th, I called mom to check how everything was; just a regualr morning ritual to call home while driving to work. There was no response. I reached office, still thinking about you and mom and wondering why there was no response on the phone. I get worried very quickly.

I tried again from the office and mom picked up this time and said you were at the hospital. You had slipped from the steps and there was head injury. How terrified I was. Couldn't focus on work at all,  just thinking about you and the situation. I kept calling to get updates.

When I got home, I just sat praying for hours; praying you'll be fine. You were in coma. I didn't want you to suffer.

There was no internet at home and Tarun had gone to the HOA meeting. I was waiting for him to get back, so I could book my flight to India. When he got back, we started to leave the house to go to our apartment for internet. We were just at the door when Sumit called with the saddest news. Oh, Daddy, how hard it was. I just sat there crying.

Daddy, so many memories that they fill my heart. From you dropping Sumit and me off at the bus stop every morning for school, how you would count to 10 and our school bus would come, buying us books from our school book shop every year, even going to parent-teacher meetings, getting us the most delicious chocolates from Ghaffar Market, the birthday bracelet you gave me, how I still remember it, all the love and affection, how you used to say, my hands were artistic as I had long fingers. My fingers no more look long. :(

I remember your sketching, the magician with his parrot. You sketched so well. I wish I had saved it then.

We just got back from Portland last week. While we were there, one night, Sumit, Aman, Tarun, myself and a couple of friends were taking a walk to the water front and I could see you in Sumit. How he just started a conversation with a passer by very casually, just like you used to do. His cool and casual demeanor, his humbleness, his social side. He has shades of you.

Daddy, do I wish things were different? Most Definitely. Would I trade your love and affection for anything else? NEVER.

I love you, Daddy and I hope you are in a better place looking over us. You are missed and loved. Thank you for always being there for us.

Forever yours,
Didu.

Happy Birthday, Mama

My dearest Mama,

I wanted to be the first one to wish you a very happy birthday! On days like today my heart is heavy and my mind is full of memories. Trips to the clock tower to get veggies and stopping for a glass of freshly squeezed juice on the way back, trips to Kamla Nagar from where you would buy me my favorite imported gum from the candy store. Trips to Gaylord for ice cream on Sundays are only a few of the flashbacks I have been having.

Recently, how much I have thought about the bread raita you used to make. Mom made the mango chutney you used to make and I am so glad to have that taste back. I still lick the plate like I used to earlier. It reminds me of you every time I eat it. I have requested for a bigger jar next time. I hope I get it.

Mama, I miss you more than I can tell. I miss the coach you were to me. Please visit me in my dreams and advice me on what I want to know. I want to learn from you even today. I really do.

Mama, I love you dearly and I am so glad to have had you for my grandmother, my friend and my well wisher; someone who genuinely cared for me and understood me. I really miss that someone. 

I am so glad to have had you as part of my life and I am so very glad to have some beautiful memories of our times together that I can cherish and live the rest of my life with. I am so glad to have our stories that I can share with my children.

Thank you for being my mentor, my friend and a very compassionate grandmother, who had the biggest heart and the warmest hugs. I would want nothing more tonight than to see you in my dreams. Please visit me.

Mama, I love you and miss you very much. Thank you for always being there and for your unconditional love. Thank you for being YOU.

Happy Birthday.

With fondest memories,
Gudiya

Memoir

Mama,

Where are you? I miss you. I think about you a lot and I think about my childhood and how close we were. You were always a friend, a confidant…someone, I could share everything with. I miss that someone, I miss you!

I spent all day yesterday going back the memory lane and thinking about the good old days and my last trip to see you, when you were really ill. It was disheartening; very sad to see you in the state you were and then a few days later, getting a call from Sumit at night breaking the news that was so hard to take. I was all flustered. I spent the next day just lying down. I remember it so vividly. I felt so alone. As god would have it, our stuff from VA reached San Francisco, the same day and when the movers opened the boxes, there were jars of pickles that you had made for me. My heart and eyes were so full. I still have the mango pickle saved. It's value to me is more than anyone would ever know.

Losing you was my biggest fear growing up, so your passing away was very hard for me.

I loved you, love you and always will. I am so lucky I had you for my grandma. No one compares to you. I cherish our memories together, the recipes I have from you, some even in your hand-writing, the mango pickle I still have and so much more. Anything that was yours that I now have has so much value to me than anyone would ever know. It's like having you in some form.

I wish, I had recorded your voice, because I miss it, I miss hearing you. :(

Mama, you have taught me to love unconditionally, you were always a source of strength to me and showed me to always do the right thing. Thank you, for all of that. Thank you.

I love you and always will. I miss resting my head in your lap and just giving you a kiss and a hug passing by where you sat or when you were in the kitchen cooking. I remember, how much you liked it. I miss having a shoulder to cry on. I miss having someone to share things with, who would understand me. I miss that and I miss you.

I hope you are looking over me and I hope you know how much I miss you. I also hope you are peaceful and happy.

I love you, Mama. With fond memories and ever-lasting love,

Gudiya.